JP

 

We need

= I want

It's your decision

= The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want

= You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk

= I need to complain

Sure... go ahead

= I don't want you to.

I'm not upset

= Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly

= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight.

= Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!

= I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.

= I have flabby thighs.

 

I heard a noise

= I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?

= I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?

= I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute.

= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?

= Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate.

= Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?

= [Too late, you're dead.]

 

Yes

= No

 

No

= No

 

Maybe

= No

 

I'm sorry.

= You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?

= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

 

I'm not yelling!

= Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All I'm going to buy is a top

= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD how great is that bag?

 

Enjoy!!!!!!!! 

Alrite people, im finally 19 today.......YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!........my final year as a teenager before im a mature 20 year old (yeah rite!). Bloody hell, i can't believe im nearly 20, i still feel like a little kid. Cheers for the gifts today, especially the Cubans, im definitely gonna enjoy those! and for those who havent given me anything.....you know who u are...i hope you all feel guilty and can't sleep at nite. ha ha... Finally finished project as well, so no more work for 3 months now...YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Ok, lets be honest, ive actually only worked for 2 weeks this year but ive promised myself things will be different next year....... lets see how long that lasts for then :) I hope u all have an absolutely amazin summer!!!! Take care, .......and did I forget 2 say......YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

 

3. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

 

4. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

 

5. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

 

6. Your last name stays put.

 

7. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

 

8. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

 

9. Underwear is $10 for a three pack.

 

10. The Miss World competition.

 

11. You can write your name in the snow.

 

12. Flowers fix everything.

 

13. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

 

14. You get to think about sex 95% of your waking hours.

 

15. Foreplay is optional.

 

16. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

 

17. The world is your urinal.

 

18. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

 

19. One mood, all the time.

 

20. Same work....more pay.

 

21. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

 

22. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

 

23. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

24. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

 

25. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

 

26. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"

 

27. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

 

28. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

 

29. Baywatch.

 

30. There is always a game on somewhere.

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the   temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. If you trap a woman's head under the covers after you break wind in bed, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Before dating a mate's ex, you must ask permission. He must grant it. 

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. It is never acceptable to stop and ask for directions.

17. If dancing is necessary (leads to sex), a man may never raise his hands above shoulder level.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never go to the toilet if it's your round.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

24. You must eat at least 1 kebeb a week. (finishing it for breakfast is ok).

25. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.4 litres.

27. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink,lime green, orange or sky blue.

28. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.